Rant is the story of me, Mike Rant, out of work actor and accidental bank robber cum international hit man. Though as people never tire of telling me, I’m less Jack Bauer and more Jack Duckworth.
Now, before we start, I would like to make a short statement.
However, I often find it is not in my nature to make short statements.
I have been called excitable, voluble, a pain in the butt, and many other things, but never abrupt, short or to the point.
But I will try. Here goes.
My name is Michael Eustace Grant. Aka Mike Rant
Whilst the following story is completely true, I have, however, slightly changed my own identity. Partly to make myself seem more pleasant to the fairer sex among my readership but also to avoid prosecution and/or violent death.
Or, at the very least, a good kicking.
My story begins in my home town of Newcastle, when a mysterious letter is delivered containing a gun and fifty thousand pounds, with coded directions to gain further instructions. I quickly realised that the letter was not intended for me but for a mysterious elderly American gentleman who lives around the corner. When my wife was kidnapped, I, having already accidentally robbed a bank, kidnapped the American in turn and set off for London to track down the group who were trying to enlist the services of a contract killer.
Well what would you have done?
But I must insist that none of the events contained herein were my fault, or at least none of the important ones. Unless you include obtaining money under false pretences.
Or the borrowing of various motor vehicles without permission.
Or perverting the course of justice.
And of course the use of sarcasm and choice language in a built up area.
Oh and being party to the kidnapping of several children with multiple disabilities, though that was definitely just a case of being caught up in the excitement of the moment.
And the same could really be said about all the explosions, the arson, the molesting of various indigents and the so-called high treason charge that in my opinion was trumped up because none of the other stuff was going to stick in court.
Or the thing about interfering with the dead guy. But I was desperate at the time.
That came out all wrong. No wait, if you’d just let me explain...